It’s going in a direction the Marxist liberals refer to as ‘down,’ as evidenced by Thursday’s 537-point drop in the Dow Jones industrial average. The Dow is down nearly 4,000 points in the past month.
While President Donald Trump is brilliantly running around shouting “TARIFFS!” and then shouting “NOT!” at America’s so-called allies, the stock market is rudely and unpatriotically refusing to go up.
In fact, it’s going in a direction the Marxist liberals refer to as “down,” as evidenced by Thursday’s 537-point drop in the Dow Jones Industrial Average. The Dow is down nearly 4,000 points over the past month and the S&P 500 closed in correction Thursday.
The true MAGA believers among us know everything is fine and President Trump – who once described tariffs as “the most beautiful word in the dictionary” – knows exactly what he’s doing by announcing tariffs, then de-announcing those tariffs and then announcing more tariffs. It’s a little thing called “consistency” – look it up, libs.
Trump’s tariffs make perfect sense, if you like nonsense
For example, Trump put 25% tariffs on steel and aluminum from the European Union, so the European Union responded with 50% tariffs on imports of U.S. whiskey, leading Trump to threaten Thursday morning to put 200% tariffs on European wine and champagne.
To which I say: “Woo-hoo! You go Tariff Man! I’m not exactly sure what tariffs are, but President Trump assured me I won’t pay a thing, so I’m certain this will all work out fine.”
But for some reason, the stock markets don’t seem to share my MAGA optimism. They aren’t doing what they’re supposed to be doing, which is agreeing with every action President Trump takes by going up and making America rich again.
Time for Trump to get tough on the markets and put tariffs on stocks
It’s clear something must be done to straighten out the markets, and the first step – obviously – is for Trump to slap tariffs on stocks.
This will work out perfectly for everyone, because, as Trump said on the campaign trail in September: “We’re going to be a tariff nation. It’s not going to be a cost to you. It’s going to be a cost to another country.”
In this case, the other countries are Nasdaqia, Dow Jonestinia and the Kingdom of S&P 500.
They will pay for trying to rip off America and make our president look bad by not making their charts move in an impressively upward direction.
The only way to make stocks go up is to threaten them
I would recommend a 50% tariff to start with, followed by a cancellation of that tariff after representatives of Nasdaqia and the other nations threaten reciprocal tariffs, followed by a 12,000% tariff just to make them sweat.
That will teach those insolent markets to respond negatively to Trump’s sensible strategy of making sure no other country on earth has the foggiest idea what America is doing. For far too long, the world and the U.S. markets have envied our stability and predictability. Well, no more of that.